Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Isn't it delightful to wake up next to someone? I don't mean in the post coital way. I mean waking up next to a sweet and friendly face, and you don't want to get up for a little while longer so that you can enjoy that moment a little bit longer. Work calls, and you have to get up so you slowly slowly get up, holding her hand and feel her slowly slowly slipping away from you. It's a bittersweet moment because it's just feels so damn good, but there's this beautiful creature still laying in bed all wrapped up in the sheets and cuddled up next to the dog and you feel like you're leaving something pretty wonderful behind.
Over 3 months ago, the day before X and I split I was laying in bed with her thinking the same thing. Then I felt sad because I felt such distance between us, even though my arms were wrapped around her. She got up and I felt her slowly slowly slipping away from me, and not just me but my heart. I fell asleep again after she left and I had a dream she came back. I sat up to greet her in my dream and she wouldn't speak to me. She carried on as if I weren't there and I called and called to her and she wouldn't acknowledge me. She ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs and I chased after her calling to her and she never responded. She ran out the door and out of my world. I woke up from the dream feeling cold and familiar with that feeling, like it was bound to happen. 24 hours later I woke up again with my arms around the woman I loved so painfully deeply, and cried because I knew that the person who I was wrapped up so tightly against has turned to icy stone and was gone from me to someone else. She turned me and said she didn't want to be with me anymore. She slipped away from me again for the last time and my heart shattered into tiny dusty pieces and washed away with the rain outside the window.
Now I'm waking up to a new beautiful face, new body, new heart. I'm not anxious. I'm not afraid of it all slowly slowly slipping away. I still don't like getting up and leaving her; not for fear of losing her, but because it just feels so damn good.