Sunday, October 11, 2009

Waldron's "Walden"

The following posting is a truly random verbal emotional outpour. Don't expect it to make a lot of sense.

In 1845 Henry David Thoreau hid himself away in a bare essentials cabin near Walden Pond and went on a 2 year 2 month journey. He isolated himself from society to learn from it. Now let me make myself clear, I have never read Walden (but it's on my reading list). I do have a fascination though, with the idea of isolating yourself from something in order to understand it more. When I think about Henry David Thoreau living alone in that cabin, every moment ticking by must have been so valuable. A treasure trove of time that brings change, growth and lessons about oneself.

I have not been living in a cabin in the woods. I have not been isolated from society. On the contrary I have been thrusting myself into society now more than I have in my life. However, like Thoreau, I have been spending this time in my life reflecting and going down a new path.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times, and I'll probably say it a million times more: it's amazing how much can change in such a small amount of time. Not just a year but a minute. A second. Blink and your life can change.

Today is my 1 year wedding anniversary. Exactly 1 year ago today I woke up with my heart filled with joy for my wedding day, and my head filled with visions of the beautiful wedding I had been planning since I was a little girl. I was with the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was a beautiful day. Surrounded by my friends and family I walked down the aisle of my church, joined hands in marriage with the woman I had loved, and promised her, God and everyone there that I would love, honor and be with her for the rest of my life. I devoted my heart, mind and body to her. As I did this though, I felt this tiny void. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, I looked in her eyes and there was something missing. It was always missing. Our entire relationship it was never there and I knew it. I was always seeking it. What was missing was her heart. She didn't bring it with her to the church that day. She didn't bring it to our relationship. As she looked into my eyes and recited her vows I felt she was just saying the words but didn't mean them. I knew that. I knew that before we got married.

6 months into our relationship I wrote a letter to myself asking myself if being with her is what I really wanted. I knew she had an unfaithful heart. I knew she had a propencity to lie. I knew that she was very controlling and selfish. I knew that a relationship with her would have to be a relationship of extreme self sacrifice and potential unhappiness. In that letter I asked myself if I wanted to end it. Why didn't I? Those things that I listed are poison to a relationship. I know why. I was a child. I was a child who wanted something so badly that I would have gone through anything to have it. I was a little girl playing grown up. I wanted to play house so badly that I was willing to be unhappy while doing it.

The last 12 months have brought a lot of change in my life.

I got married.

I went to Europe for the first time (and definitely not the last).

I made a decision to take my health back.

I spent Christmas at home with my wife for the first time.

My parents who had been married for 31 years got divorced.

4 months after getting married and being fed up with the fact that my wife didn't bring her heart into our marriage, I packed my bags and tried to leave her. She looked me in the eyes and begged me to stay. I stayed with the promise that we were going to work on our marriage.

1 month later, she told me to leave because she didn't want to try.

I lost myself, but in losing myself I lost the child that I was clinging to.

I moved out and for 1 month licked my wounds with the love and support of my family and friends.

I found an apartment on Capitol Hill and declared my freedom and independance.

I got angry. Really angry. A lot.

I discovered a lot about her. My fears turned into reality when I discovered what a truely deceitiful, lying, cheating and selfish person she really is. My child self told me to let it go and accept it. My adult self told me, this is a reality and you need to stop loving this person the way you do because she's poisoned you. I have also learned that it was my responsibility to take my happiness and it was irresponsible of me to spend so much time on a person who could never love anyone more than she loves herself. Who is completely incapable of agape love.

I was irresponsible with my heart.

I took my heart back.

I cut my hair off.

I lost 70 pounds.

I met an incredible woman who has taught me so much. She truely has changed my life and left her fingerprint on my soul.

I learned I'm not perfect and it didn't help my marriage either. I'm an opinionated, loud mouthed, hard headed and at times probably over burdoning brat. I'm working on it. Accepting my flaws and learning from them is growth.

I've learned that throwing a coffee mug across the room and watching it shatter into a million little pieces feels really bleeping good.

I've learned therapy is a very good thing.

I've also learned that where therapy can't help, gin and tonic, dancing and a great friend does a whole lot of good.

I've found I have a lot of blessings in my life. I have amazing friends. Family who loves me. The sweetest dog I could ever ask for. A job that pays my bills so I can have a home to live in and food in my mouth. A strong desire to laugh and smile and find joy in everything. A love for God and a desire to continue my spiritual journey. Music. Music. Music. They all connect.

Finally, I've learned I need to let go. Today I'm taking my wedding invitation, program and some pictures with me to the woods. I'm going to reflect, say some words, burn them and let the wind take the ashes of my former life away, and walk from the woods into my new life.

This is going to be a long closing. There are two songs that really express what's in my heart and what I have learned. I'm going to say something and I'm going to post the songs and this will be the last time I ever speak about Ex in my blog again.

This is directed to her. She may never read this. We have cut off communication with each other and I believe that is for the best. There is a lot of passionate anger between the two of us. We both feel victimized by one another. Today is the day I let go of my victimhood.

Dear Joscelyne,

I'm letting you go. I'm releasing you from my anger. I no longer feel the need to recap all the wrong doings. When I do that, I create new pain and new anger and it is time to let it go. They are in the past. I'm freeing myself. As you very well know about me, forgiveness has never been my strongest suit. Some may say that I may not be ready for this. That it may be too soon; but I wish to be free and if I can say the words then I can find my freedom.

First of all, I forgive myself. I was not perfect. I AM not perfect. I did things that were bad too. I know what they are. I know what I need to do to change and I have taken those steps and I have changed for the better and will always continue to learn from myself and and from my imperfections.

This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've been sitting here literally staring at the computer screen for the last 15 minutes with my fingers poised over the keys trying to type this.

Joscelyne I forgive you. I know that God brought us together for a reason. We were also pulled apart for a reason. While it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life, it was meant to happen. I wish for you growth. I wish for you change and from that growth and change I wish you happiness. You will never truly be happy until you find that and I hope that you do.

You were my first and you will always be a part of me, even though I may never see you again. That may be for the best. The time we had together was magical, frustrating and life changing. Borrowing a line from a song, "You'll be with me
like a hand print on my heart/Now whatever way our stories end/I know you have rewritten mine/by being my friend"

The story of us is over. I am writing a new story now. It's the story of me.



1 comment:

  1. I'm so proud of you.... I hope we are always in each other's lives.